I wrote this all at work...but I'm going to post it here instead of my livejournal...for...various reasons
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I need to write about Tony. I love him so much. Maybe I'm jumping the gun, but I really think that we're going to stay together for a while. He's so perfect. He's everything I ever dreamed of. When I picture the perfect guy for me, it's him. He makes me happy, he cares about me more than I care about myself (which isn't so hard to do, but it still means a lot), he loves me unconditionally, he makes me a better person. And it's not just those things either. He's so smart, and articulate, and he loves so many of the same things I do. He's got a rediculous appreciation for music. And he's talented. He's just a beautiful person, and I feel so beautiful just being with him. Just sitting next to him. It's like, for the first time, I actually feel like I exist and have purpose.
I feel like I'm going way overboard with all of this. Like, sure I feel all these wonderful things, but am I really dumb enough to believe he feels the same way? I want him to feel like I'm the only girl in the world. I want him to forget that anything else exists. I want him to hurt when we say goodbye. I want him to feel empty without me. Those are all such negative things, but that's exactly what happens to me.
I just can't wait for summer when we get to spend so much time together. I just want him and the sun and the sand and the water and looonnggg beautiful days and looonnnggg beautiful nights. And I really do want us to have sex. Like, I REALLY do. And I don't think I would feel that way if I didn't really love him. It's weird how comfortable I am with him. Like, especially being naked. Like, it really doesn't bother me. And I am SO not ok with my body. Like BEYOND not ok with my body. But I just feel like no matter how many scars I have, or how fat I am, he still loves me. He still sees beautiful all over me.
It's like every morning I wake up and get ready for everything and look at myself and think "God, I look so horrible..." but as soon as I see him, as soon as he looks at me, I can just tell he thinks I'm gorgeous. And it's such a good feeling. To know that he's attracted to me. And it's like I could see a million gorgeous boys. I mean, I do see a lot of attractive guys all the time. And I'd be kidding myself if I said I never look at them and think they're cute, but it's always like "he's really cute, but he's not Tony..." or "he's hilarious and absolutely adorable, but he doesn't make me feel the way Tony does". I don't think anyone could make me feel the way Tony does. I mean, even Max. Who I really honestly loved and wanted to be with forever. He didn't do it for me.
And all of this is happening at such a good time. Everything is just working out so well. And I never want to cut when he's around, which is good. And I eat...and I just feel healthier because of him. I feel like I could never do anything wrong. I feel so...unconditionally loved. Like I could do anything, and he'd be right there to help me, or tell me that it's wrong.
I hate that he's so right about everything. That his logic is always more reasonable than mine. I hate knowing that he'll always win the arguments, and not because he's stubborn, but because he's always right. I hate how cold I am without him, and how empty I feel at night when I'm sleeping all by myself. Or waking up and taking a shower and just wishing and wishing that he could be there with me.
There are so many things he and I need to together. And not just sexual stuff, either, although I'm way excited for all that...but just things like hiking whaleback together...or watching sunsets together...latenight swims together...road trips together. There's just so much to do. I just wish we didn't have to wait. I wish we could have everything right now.
I don't know how I'm going to survive the next two weeks without him. What the HELL am I going to do? It didn't really hit me until just now. I'm going to end up cutting, or starving, or something...I can't believe I'm going to have to go TWO WEEKS without him. Two weeks with no Tony...no kissing Tony...no seeing Tony...no holding Tony...no touching Tony...How the HELL am I supposed to do that? I guess it'll just make the net time I see him THAT much better. It's going to be a marvelous weekend after two weeks of no Tony. I'm going to freak out.
God, I just love him so much. I can't ever stop thinking about him. He's so amazing, I feel like he doesn't even understand. He doesn't even know how perfect he is. He's so perfect....he's so....placid....relaxed...calm....loving. I can't imagine him getting visibly hyper or excited or angry. I think he internalizes a lot of his emotions, which is fine...I just like it when he opens up to me about thigns, or when he tells me how he feels....and I love talking to him about things like we did last night, just having big discussions about how we feel about life. It's good to know that we have similar values and aspirations. And it's also good to know that it's possible for us to still be together in another 5 years. To know that us getting married could work out. I try not to think that far in the future, but it's hard when you love someone so much.